Tuesday, July 27, 2004


For those of you that don't know, I'm on my way to becoming a father. To quote a line from a TV show that I saw recently, "It's time for someone else to be the child in this family."

Sarah and I have really been looking forward to this for quite some time, and I really think that she'll be a great mother. While I on the other hand, will fill our child's head with bits of inane knowledge and goad them on until they pull my finger.

Over the past few years that Sarah and I have been "trying" to start a family, I've found that more and more people seem to be having the same sorts of issues that we were having. Just about every woman that we know has had a "Jalapenogram" or some other test to determine why they were having issues with getting pregnant, and along with them, each of their guys has gotten a head count, no puns meant there, of their sperm.

Why is it that our parents never seemed to have these issues? Heck, my sisters were born 10 months apart. I don't even think my dad let my mom even rest before they started going after kid number 2.

After Sarah and I had been "trying" for about 4 years before we decided to see a reproductive endocrinologist. At that point I had already had my boys checked out and everything seemed to be in order, except for the fact that they kept swimming towards lights. I just decided that they were looking for the nearest TV or computer monitor.

Sarah has always had issues with having the normal 28-day cycle thing happen, so she was put on some medications for that, in the hope that we could try to get everything as close to that as is possible. Then the process begins.

I won't bore you with all of the details of all of the scans, exams, administering of shots, and things such as that, while they were interesting in their own way they're not the main part of "my story."

Eventually, we got to a point where Sarah's cycle began and then I had to make a deposit that would be used for artificial insemination.

Now, I don't want to brag here, but I'm not exactly a rank amateur at the whole "deposit creation" process. I felt pretty confident that my vast years of practice attempts would make the whole thing would go quite smoothly and I would be in and out, no pun intended, and our child would soon be on it's way.

I arrived for my first "session" at around 6:00 in the morning. It wasn't my typical time for doing anything such as that, but I figured that if anyone could make it all work eventually, it would be me. So, I grabbed my cup and went to take a look at the room where I would be doing my work for that morning.

Before we go into the details of that particular room, I'm not going to get in-depth into the whole process after that. I don't want to scare away any of my five readers (God knows I need you all to keep reading) by giving out far too much information about this particular topic. Now that we have that settled, I can continue with the story.

When you're going into a place like that, you're pretty single minded in purpose. You've got your goal in mind, you've practiced for an event like this, and you’re all about business. Of course, then you have to look and see what porn they have to offer.

As far as porn is concerned, I'm not going to go into my likes and dislikes. But, when you happen to see a copy of Teenage Tit Freaks (Volume 8) lying about, it's difficult to hold back the giggles.

So, when I walked into the room the first thing I noticed was a fairly comfortable looking chair. "A good start," I thought. You’ve gotta be comfortable at 6 in the morning. Then I noticed the TV/VCR combo unit. Both were things that I expected to see when I went in there. Then I noticed what would make things very difficult. Something that I could not have prepared myself for. Something that no man should have to be forced to deal with while masturbating. Mike Holmgren.

For those of you who don't know who Mike Holmgren is, he is the former head coach of the Green Bay Packers. I'm not going to say that there was a giant poster of the man on the wall, but what was there definitely made you think about him.

On one wall of the room was a picture of Lambeau Field on some random Monday night. On the other wall, was a picture that was taken right after the Packers had won Superbowl XXXI. Being a Packer football fan, there are basically two or three images that stick in your head from that game. Brett Favre running down the field with his helmet off after he threw a touchdown pass to Andre Rison that allowed the Packers to take an early lead, and the image of Mike Holmgren being carried off the field by a few of the players.

Apparently some amateur interior decorator decided at some point that since there would be a great deal of men using this room, that they should “sport up” the place. I was always told when I was growing up that you wanted to think about sports when you were trying NOT to be aroused. Clearly this room would be a challenge to that school of thought.

I won't bore (or disturb) you with the rest of the details of that event, but I can tell you one thing that happened as a result of that day. For one brief moment, I hated being a Packer fan, because they made it difficult for me to do something much more important than anything that happened in that football game.

I’ll tell you one thing, it takes a lot of porn to get Mike Holmgren out of your head… a lot of porn. In fact, I think one of the movie boxes actually advertised itself that way.

“Guaranteed to get any NFL coach out of your head, or your money back.”

Seriously, who is going to challenge them on something like that?


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