Friday, September 24, 2004

Cruisin' (part 2)

Part 2

So, from the casino we got into our rented limo and proceeded to Wisconsin's most appropriately named, double entendre-wise, locale, "Chubby's." I can just imagine when they were coming up with the name for that place. I'm sure the guy had to try to explain it to his investors a few times. "You see... It's a strip club... and men go there... and when men get excited... Get it???" If I ever get to meet this man, I'll see if he'll pull my finger.

When I walked into the place, after paying the $8 viewing fee/cover charge, I thought I had walked into some outdoorsman's basement. Forgetting for the moment that the place was, well, a strip club, the whole place was covered with pine paneling. You could have put up a few moose heads, mounted a plastic singing bass on the wall, and you would have had a kick ass hunter's rec room, complete with stripper poles.

The bachelor for the night, Tony, walked into the club and grabbed the first seat that he could find and began ogling.

I give him credit. He knew what he was there to do, and went right to it. Not that focus in a strip club is something is hard to attain, but I still commended him for it.

I started to walk around the club for a while. I think there are a great deal of places where I stick out like a sore thumb, and this club was no exception. I'll give you my first example of how I differed from the majority of the men, and women, that were there. First off, I never sat down. I had money in my pocket, but I really have no interest in wasting a seat when at a club. There are plenty of men there that are going to spend every single cent they have in their pockets, but I know that the time that those women spend up on stage is valueable to them, so if they're trying to make a buck, I won't be the one to give them that money. Like I said before, I have no issues with women working there for their job, but I don't enjoy some random woman beating me over the head with her breasts and then expecting me to pay her for it. Sarah is another story, but random women? No.

I think after a while the women in the club even began to notice that I wasn't the "mark" that they wanted to go after. I think they put some sort of "not going to give you money" tag on me after the following encounter. One of the women walked up to me and asked, "Would you like me to dance for you?" I said,"No.... So, why did you get into this line of work?" She just stared at me for a few seconds, and then turned around and headed for the back room.

I'm thinking of adding this to my business card.

Glen Haag. He drives the strippers away.

After that, I got a chance to see the following event happen. Tony, who was starting to look a bit bored, was just sitting in his chair with a stack of singles waiting. Don walks up next to him, and gets one of the dancers to head over towards Tony. I heard the whole exchange, so there is no doubt how this all happened. Don suggested that the the dancer "hit" Tony with her breasts. I know for a fact that Don did say all of those words. Unfortunately for Tony, she didn't hear all of them. She took the money that Don was holding out and then reared back and smacked our bachelor across the face as hard as she could.

One of my problems when I get into situations that I find incredibly funny, is that I can't hold my laughter back. If I think something is funny, everyone is going to know that I think it's funny. So, when I doubled over laughing when Tony was cracked across the face, I should have realized that it probably wasn't the best thing to do. Honestly, if there weren't naked women all over the place, I think Tony probably would have left at that point.

As for me? I had to walk away from the situation at that point, because Tony was pretty upset about the fact that he thought someone had paid that woman to have him slapped, and I didn't want him to think it was me, so I walked away and headed towards some of the other guys in the group that were spending large amounts of money on women with names like "Shantisha" and "Destiny."

After a few drinks, and lap dances, Tony loosened up again and by the looks of his ear-to-ear grin, he seemed to be enjoying himself. Then Don came up to me.

"Glen, I need $200 dollars," he said.

"Um, why?"

"I can get Tony two lesbians for $200 dollars."

"Whatever, Don."

Honestly, that was the best I could come up with. "Whatever, Don."

There are a few things in my life that I believe just don't exist. One being edible British cuisine. Another being lesbians for rent at a strip club. I'm not saying these are the only things that I don't believe exist... these are just a few of them.

To be concluded....


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