Friday, October 15, 2004

More news at eleven

US Snot production up by 150%

Madison, WI (AP) - Due to the fact that over half of the flu shot vaccine that was to delivered to the US this season has been destroyed, due to contamination concerns, US snot production is up to record levels.

"And John Kerry says that I haven't created anything in this country," quipped President Bush when told about the massive increase in mucus supply.

"Business is booming," says Ken Austerhauf, VP of sales for Kimberly Clark (manufacturer of Kleenex.) "Sure people are sick, but who gives a rats ass... I just added another floor to my house!"

Not everyone is happy about the increase in the yellow nose emission though. "Just look at the underside of these desks. These kids are disgusting. Little bastards wouldn't wipe this stuff under there if they had to clean it up. Back in my day you'd get a whupping for doing something like this, but now? Hell, they'll be back again tomorrow making a mess again and making my life a living hell," said Janitor Richard "Smitty" Anderson.

Also, it looks as though the government is trying to take this flu epidemic and use it to try to turn the tides in the war in Iraq. At a recent White House Press event, Press Secretary Scott McClellan declared, "Please save all of your used tissues. I know it's a lot to ask, but it could help in the war effort. We need to ship that sickness overseas and use it on the evil-doers."

Is this new strategy working? When asked for comment Iraqi Shia cleric Muqtada al-Sadr said this via a translator, "I'm SO going to get back to the work of getting the Americans out of our country. Aacchoo!! As soon as I can get rid of this cold. Allah rid me of this nasal and sinus foulness."

Also in other news, minor blog poster Glen Haag has been sick.


Post a Comment

<< Home