Friday, September 24, 2004

Cruisin' (part 2)

Part 2

So, from the casino we got into our rented limo and proceeded to Wisconsin's most appropriately named, double entendre-wise, locale, "Chubby's." I can just imagine when they were coming up with the name for that place. I'm sure the guy had to try to explain it to his investors a few times. "You see... It's a strip club... and men go there... and when men get excited... Get it???" If I ever get to meet this man, I'll see if he'll pull my finger.

When I walked into the place, after paying the $8 viewing fee/cover charge, I thought I had walked into some outdoorsman's basement. Forgetting for the moment that the place was, well, a strip club, the whole place was covered with pine paneling. You could have put up a few moose heads, mounted a plastic singing bass on the wall, and you would have had a kick ass hunter's rec room, complete with stripper poles.

The bachelor for the night, Tony, walked into the club and grabbed the first seat that he could find and began ogling.

I give him credit. He knew what he was there to do, and went right to it. Not that focus in a strip club is something is hard to attain, but I still commended him for it.

I started to walk around the club for a while. I think there are a great deal of places where I stick out like a sore thumb, and this club was no exception. I'll give you my first example of how I differed from the majority of the men, and women, that were there. First off, I never sat down. I had money in my pocket, but I really have no interest in wasting a seat when at a club. There are plenty of men there that are going to spend every single cent they have in their pockets, but I know that the time that those women spend up on stage is valueable to them, so if they're trying to make a buck, I won't be the one to give them that money. Like I said before, I have no issues with women working there for their job, but I don't enjoy some random woman beating me over the head with her breasts and then expecting me to pay her for it. Sarah is another story, but random women? No.

I think after a while the women in the club even began to notice that I wasn't the "mark" that they wanted to go after. I think they put some sort of "not going to give you money" tag on me after the following encounter. One of the women walked up to me and asked, "Would you like me to dance for you?" I said,"No.... So, why did you get into this line of work?" She just stared at me for a few seconds, and then turned around and headed for the back room.

I'm thinking of adding this to my business card.

Glen Haag. He drives the strippers away.

After that, I got a chance to see the following event happen. Tony, who was starting to look a bit bored, was just sitting in his chair with a stack of singles waiting. Don walks up next to him, and gets one of the dancers to head over towards Tony. I heard the whole exchange, so there is no doubt how this all happened. Don suggested that the the dancer "hit" Tony with her breasts. I know for a fact that Don did say all of those words. Unfortunately for Tony, she didn't hear all of them. She took the money that Don was holding out and then reared back and smacked our bachelor across the face as hard as she could.

One of my problems when I get into situations that I find incredibly funny, is that I can't hold my laughter back. If I think something is funny, everyone is going to know that I think it's funny. So, when I doubled over laughing when Tony was cracked across the face, I should have realized that it probably wasn't the best thing to do. Honestly, if there weren't naked women all over the place, I think Tony probably would have left at that point.

As for me? I had to walk away from the situation at that point, because Tony was pretty upset about the fact that he thought someone had paid that woman to have him slapped, and I didn't want him to think it was me, so I walked away and headed towards some of the other guys in the group that were spending large amounts of money on women with names like "Shantisha" and "Destiny."

After a few drinks, and lap dances, Tony loosened up again and by the looks of his ear-to-ear grin, he seemed to be enjoying himself. Then Don came up to me.

"Glen, I need $200 dollars," he said.

"Um, why?"

"I can get Tony two lesbians for $200 dollars."

"Whatever, Don."

Honestly, that was the best I could come up with. "Whatever, Don."

There are a few things in my life that I believe just don't exist. One being edible British cuisine. Another being lesbians for rent at a strip club. I'm not saying these are the only things that I don't believe exist... these are just a few of them.

To be concluded....

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Cruisin' (part 1)

I'm going to warn you right now. This story is a three-parter, there are a lot of very "important" details contained within, and I don't want you to miss any of them by cutting this all down to a small story. This is part 1. You might want to use the rest room, it's going to be a while before we have a chance to stop again. (See how I'm getting ready to be a dad?)

None of the names in the story have been changed to protect anyone. No one was really innocent, so why protect them.

Seeing as how I have written a good deal about my background with sports, and I've talked about how much I enjoy participating in sports, it might come as a surprise to you to know that I'm not really a very masculine guy. Sure I go out and have a drink with my friends from time to time, but it's more common for you to find me sitting down and watching a Sandra Bullock film with my wife. (I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for "While you were sleeping.)

So, when I get the opportunity to go to a bachelor party, it's not something I typically leap at the opportunity to take part in. More often than not, said parties involve a trip to a strip club, and I've never really enjoyed going to them. It's not that I have any sort of problem with the type of places that they are, or that I mind that I think that women are objectified there. If a woman can earn a good living dancing mostly naked in front of a group of guys, more power to her. If she doesn't mind the work and it's a safe place for her to do it, have at it.

As for me, I've just never felt like looking at a group of women gyrating on poles is a great way to spend my evening. Hell, I have high speed internet at home. I can download porn from now until rapture and still have a pocket full of singles when I'm done. Not that I would ever do anything like that... um... ah.... How about that game involving your local football team? They look like, um, guys that could do stuff.

Anywho... I was invited to go to my friend Tony's bachelor party and when the time to decide whether or not I would join with the group of them to go to a local casino and then a strip club, I decided "why not."

One of the problems that I've noticed when people go to a strip club is the fact that they drink far too much alcohol. This may be a shock to some of you, but I think that those fine establishments actually WANT you to drink too much. Those heartless bastards.

So, before we went to the club, most of us had lost a good deal of money at the blackjack tables. I personally donated $40 to the fine people of the Ho Chunk nation within my first two minutes and decided that if I were to continue spending at that clip that I would be naked and homeless by 11:00 that night. I didn't think that was a winning proposition for anyone, so I walked away from the table and decided that I was much better off losing my money (on $2 beers) at the casino bar.

After roaming around the casino for a while, I managed to run into the rest of our 10-man group that had just finished concluding their business in the casino. I should have paid more attention to a gentleman named Don. Don had managed to win approximately $200 in the two hours that we were in the casino. He then proceeded to lose that $200 in 2 minutes on two individual hands of Blackjack. Some people just don't know when to quit. This will factor in later in the evening.

To be continued....