I really don't like that zoom zoom kid.

Recently I made the decision that it's about the time to retire my car. I've had it for 10 years now and it seems to be showing the signs that it's about to give up the ghost.

In no particular order, here are the things that have gone wrong with my car in the last 2 years.

- The windshield wipers reset straight up. They still function, but when they're off, they're pointing straight up. Never in my life have I had as many of my friends say, "Hey, I saw you driving down the road the other day." There isn't a chance in the world that you couldn't pick out a green cavalier that looks like that.

- The horn stopped working. This isn't the biggest deal in the world, as it's something that is pretty easy to replace if you have some sort of vehicle repair competency. I do not possess this and as a result, the horn I put in... broke off and I just haven't had the heart to replace it since.

- The transmission cable snapped. There is nothing quite like driving all of the way across a large city with only 3rd gear. It definitely makes for some interesting starts at a traffic light.

- The turn signals stopped working. The hazard lights work, but the turn signals don't. I think I scare a lot of drivers as the only way I can let them know I'm turning is to turn on the hazard flashers... this way I just make them guess which way I'm going.

So, I figured it was time to look for a car.

I went into a few dealerships over the weekend and found myself in two completely different experiences.

The first dealership started out well, but ended up just a bit wrong. I went in and described my needs to the salesman. The first thing that I told him was that I did not want an SUV. Sarah already has a Ford Escape, so the last thing that I want is to be a 2 SUV family. The first vehicle that I asked to drive is a wagon.

One thing that I know is that I'm man enough to know that I don't need any sort of sporty car. Well, that's not exactly right. I'm comfortable enough in my lack of masculinity to know that I don't need a sporty car. No need to prove anything to anyone. I'm happy with my penis, thank you very much, and I don't need a car to make me like it anymore than I already do.

One of the things that I liked about the first dealership was the fact that they just photocopied my drivers license and gave me the keys. I was on my way in the car and didn't have to worry about anything other than finding out if this car was for me. As it turns out, it wasn't and I took the car back, got into my POS and moved onto the next dealership.

This salesman used a different approach, one that makes me feel pretty uncomfortable. He didn't offer to make a copy of my license, he just wanted to come along.

Just to be clear, I don't let most people ride in my car. Car rides are for friends. Rides are for people that I feel that I can actually hold a conversation with during the duration of our travels together.

Here's part of the exchange on my test drive.

"So... You sell cars, huh?"

That's how comfortable I felt with the guy in the car. I felt like my conversation skills were regressing as each mile passed that we drove down the road.

Here's another zinger from me.

"Crazy weather, huh?"

Thankfully, Sarah called me on my cell during the drive and I was saved from any other awkward moments such as that.

As it turned out, I liked the car quite a bit and should be going back at some point this week to pick it up.

When I told one of my friends that I was going to be buying a car, he said...

"Anything but a wagon."

Like I said before, I already like my penis, I might as well have the type of car that matches the guy who has it.